The “Number Only” Syndrome

This topic was definitely on my heart so I have to present what I have went through and learned about it. Before I was “saved” I used to say, I wanted to be the “number only” girl. Not the #1 girl because that meant there was a #2 somewhere so I wanted to be the only one. I went into the Christian church and my marriage with the same mentality. Then I started following this Israelite way and Pastor Dowell began his “teachings” or introduction of the true Israelite heritage way and addressing the polygamy life style of our fore fathers. This hit me hard at first. Not because of the doctrine, because I could not argue, nor did I try to, with the scripture, but it was a personal battle that I had to endure and understand. At first, I did not understand why this was so hard for me to accept. Then I had to be honest with myself, I still had that “number only” in me. That selfish and jealous nature of my husband is mine and I don’t want to “share” him with anyone.

This was truly taught by my “1st Lady” that I sat under in the Christian church. She would teach us to make sure we make the most noise and be the biggest cheerleader for our husbands when they preach and make sure that our husbands did not counsel women on their own, but be there and be an active participant with anything dealing with your husband and another woman. She used to say that there is always another woman putting in her resume for your job and that you had to stay on top of your job so that you were not replaced. But her way of doing things was not by being a servant to him, but manipulating all situations to work in her/your favor so that he would always need you. Wow, what witchcraft, now that I think about it. The wickedness of women has been portrayed so much throughout the history of the Bible, so this is why I understand the delivery of this topic by our pastor. There were many messages where I was wincing in my seat as he tackled this subject over and over again in his up front, in your face teaching style that I have come to truly appreciate. It made me question myself and my attitude over and over again and truly evoked some thought and deliverance.

I remember standing in the kitchen, washing dishes, praying to the father in my heart one day and asking the Most High in my heart my worth. I remember asking the father what I meant to him. I wondered if I was like a piece of jewelry that was to be worn one day but put up and away or discarded for another just as easily as I was purchased, but He spoke to my spirit and told me how He loved me and I was special to Him. Then pastor had a moment when he confirmed this by teaching that the daughters of Zion should be Honored and Respected. I think I will never forget that statement. It helped me to realize a couple of things:

I was allowing the enemy to attack my self-esteem by establishing it more in my husband than in the Most High Yah and as my rug of security was being snatched from up under me, I was forced to face that reality. Then that I viewed my husband in the wrong light. He was not my equal as the world liked to teach me, but my protector, provider and charged to love me. I am his wife and a servant to him as I serve Yah, but I had no ownership of him. Does that take anything from me as a woman? Not at all. You see, my husband calls me virtuous all the time and I know from what I read that my price is far above rubies (Proverbs 31:10). I am very valuable and loved by the Most High in my obedience and very honored and respected by my husband. Does that mean that I do not struggle with this topic from time to time, of course I do. But as I shed my gentile mind frame and unlearn many of the things that I learned from the world, I have to take a look inside myself and examine this as I learn that His ways are not my ways and His thoughts are not my thoughts. Take a look at yourself sometimes and see where your heart is as you are presented with the hard realities of your Israelite heritage. I have to love it to love the Most High. I cannot just eat half of the roll, I have to eat it all. Until next time….Shalom.

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